Many Couples Therapists Say They’re Neutral About Whether You Decide to Stay Married or Get Divorced. I’m not.

Honestly, I used to take this stance.

My parents had a fairly amicable divorce when I was a child and they’ve remained friends ever since. And I mean, like “we go on an annual Christmas Shopping trip to the mall together (in non-pandemic times, of course)” friends.

Growing up with divorced parents was the norm for me, so I didn’t see the harm in it.

I was even very pro-divorce for some time, especially as I saw dozens of my high school peers’ parents getting divorced after their young adult children left the nest (oftentimes, to their children’s utter shock and surprise).

Why delay the inevitable? Why create a false pretense of your marriage for your children? Why expose your children to an unhealthy relationship marred by either an avoidance of conflict or a toxic level of conflict?

Marriage was created at a time when people lived 40 years max. It’s just not realistic to think marital commitment is meant for humans living 80+ years.

People inevitably change over time. In many cases, people just grow apart.

These are all things I used to say about marriage.

I used to think it’d be best if I just helped couples “going through the inevitable” make the most of it. I’d simply follow their lead and take the stance that they know what’s best for their family. At least the children will be free from a toxic environment.

Well, to an extent, couples do know what’s best, but I also think we’ve all been conditioned in today’s throwaway culture to believe that once you fall out of love or you’ve found yourself in the office of a divorce attorney, your marriage is over.

The book, If You’re In My Office, It’s Already Too Late: A Divorce Lawyer’s Guide to Staying Together is a great example of that. I find a lot of the contents of James Sexton’s book useful, but I strongly disagree with the title.

Many couples are ambivalent about staying married or getting a divorce even as they go through and complete the divorce process. In a state of complete demoralization, they see divorce as the only possible option to free themselves of the pain and problems of their marriage, a marital suicide of sorts.

From what I know now, it’s not the only option.

Couple experts, Michele Weiner Davis and Bill Doherty, put it this way: At one point, in the midst of the honeymoon phase, you were convinced you’d be in love with this person forever, or at least convinced enough to make a lifelong commitment to them. Now, in the midst of jadedness and disconnection, you’re convinced you’ll be out of love with this person forever.

Both convictions are based on a feeling state. But, feelings are not facts, and feelings can’t predict the future.

So then, what does the prognosis of a troubled marriage really come down to?

Willingness. Do you have the willingness and energy to give your marriage the attention it needs and deserves? Do you have the willingness and energy to take a hard look at yourself and the contributions you’ve made to the problems in your marriage?

In any case, you can’t divorce yourself. If you’re unable to see how you’ve contributed to your marriage as it stands today, you’re likely to repeat the same patterns in the next one.

The big caveat to all of this is if you’re in an abusive relationship, in which case I strongly urge you to check out the hotline.

That said, if you or your partner are thinking about divorce and want a couples therapist who wants to help save your marriage, contact me today.

And remember… Love is tough, but so are you. Love anyway.

Photo by Keira Burton from Pexels