When Money Can’t Buy You Love
This morning, I woke up to news that another set of billionaires, Bill and Melinda Gates, have chosen to go their own ways. I’m sure they will be just fine (I mean both financially and emotionally), but my heart still breaks a little for them… like it does for any divorcing celebrity couple in the media (Jennifer Lopez and Alex Rodriguez?! Why?!) or any everyday couple I’ve seen call it quits on the Gram.
But alas, even though I’m a couples therapist, I’m just an armchair expert on pop culture love, and unfortunately JLo’s love life is out of my control. So instead, I present to you my first dose of Tough Love.
There’s been a certain recurring theme I’ve seen pop up in my virtual therapy office as of late that I thought might be helpful to share with those of you striving for that long-term happy marriage… The Conflict Avoidant Couple.
Couples therapists often hear couples in their office proudly proclaim, “We don’t fight” or “We don’t fight anymore” with the assumption that fighting is the only major marker of a failing relationship. What these couples often unintentionally leave out in the retelling of their relationship woes are what couples researcher John Gottman has deemed the Four Horsemen of the Relationship Apocalypse - Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt, and Stonewalling - a.k.a. the four major predictors of divorce.
Despite the lack of yelling and arguing, the couples’ communication (or lack there of) is still filled with attacks on one another’s character; underlying messages of “I’m superior to you in some way. I’m cleaner, smarter, wiser, better at parenting, more logical, more emotionally intelligent, more productive, more attractive than you;” feeling like an innocent victim or righteously indignant (“this is all so unfair”); and shutting the partner out completely.
These conflict avoidant couples may also find themselves apologizing too soon or sweeping the issue under the rug and pretending like nothing’s happened. Unfortunately, many marriages shatter not from a few blow out arguments, but rather from thousands of tiny, seemingly insignificant everyday moments that collectively build up resentment and create a really negative perspective of one another over time.
The lessons to be learned? 1) Suspend your apologies until you really know what you’re apologizing for, so it doesn’t happen again. 2) Even small, seemingly insignificant negative interactions could benefit from some special attention in your relationship.
The Antidote: John and Julie Gottman (husband and wife duo and long-time couples therapy experts) highly suggest couples create a weekly ritual called The State of the Union, where the couple spends an hour each week expressing gratitude to one another, processing regrettable interactions or fights from the past week, and expressing what they need from their partner to feel loved in the coming week.
John explains to his couples that this State of the Union is like medicine for people with diabetes or high blood pressure. You may choose to forgo it, but that wouldn’t be in your best interest.
Don’t be surprised if the processing of regrettable moments is extremely difficult for you and your partner. In fact, I tell all of my therapy couples not to try it at home by themselves until we’ve practiced it several times in my office. If you’re not in couples therapy, you can also take the new Gottman Institute online course: What to Do After a Fight (Note: This post is not sponsored, I’m just a big fan of the Gottmans).
Some final and somewhat random thoughts:
1) Did the Four Horsemen plague the Gates’ relationship? I can’t know for sure, but I wouldn’t be surprised if they did. In any case, I wish them and their kids well.
2) I wonder… would young Bruno Mars still want to be a billionaire so frickin bad if he new money couldn’t by him love?
3) I saw a t-shirt the other day that said, “Life is tough, but so are you.”
I’d like to leave you with my own twist on that t-shirt.
Love is tough, but so are you. Love anyway.
Photo Credit: Alex Green (pexels.com)