Avoid The Divorce Trap

Whelp… Bennifer appears to be back on, but alas I still don’t have control over JLo’s love life, so I’ll stick to speaking in general terms about love and marriage.

Even though Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez never got past their engagement with that giant yellow (or was it pink?) diamond ring in the early 2000s, their continued love story still reminds me of married couples who consider divorce or even get divorced and then find themselves months (or years) later realizing what they’ve taken for granted all along.

In her book The Divorce Remedy, marriage therapist and couples expert, Michele Weiner Davis, talks about “The Divorce Trap” that so many people find themselves in at some point in their marriage.

This trap lures deeply unhappy and dissatisfied partners into a fantasy of immediate relief from the loneliness and pain they currently feel in their marriage (or maybe even from the loneliness and pain they’ve felt for decades). They begin to overestimate how great they will feel once they begin a new life with their affair partner or how free they will feel when they can escape the seemingly never-ending problems of their marriage.

In fact, the likelihood of second marriages ending in divorce is 60% compared to the 50% likelihood of first time marriages ending in divorce. The odds are not in your favor. It’s more likely that you will continue to carry the same patterns of relating into your next relationship and eventually experience the same problems that came up in your first marriage.

Want my advice? Stick it out (as long as abuse is not the picture). Seek help from someone who specializes in working with couples and marriages. Avoid simply seeking support from a well-meaning friend or family member or even an individual therapist who inevitably only gets half of the story and focuses more on increasing your individual happiness than on helping you see your role in the marriage. Figure out how you have contributed to the problems of your marriage and fix what you do have control over. The payoffs will be worth it.

Some final thoughts:

1) As JLo so wisely sang, “love don’t cost a thing;” however, divorce definitely does (both financially and emotionally).

2) If you’re considering divorce, I encourage you to learn more about Discernment Counseling to figure out what next steps to take to avoid The Divorce Trap.

As always, love is tough, but so are you. Love anyway.

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