Still Feeling Disconnected? Here’s What To Do Between Couples Therapy Sessions…
You’re between couples therapy sessions and still feeling lonely and disconnected from your partner. The hard conversations you’ve been having in therapy aren’t caring over to your day-to-day life and you’re not sure how to change that.
Your Fear Of Intimacy Gets In The Way
Many of the couples I work with express fear and hesitation when it comes to trying to talk to one another between sessions because they’re concerned their communication will blow up into a huge fight or head South into an Arctic freeze. Consequently, they find it safer to just stay quiet and push down any feelings or needs they’d otherwise express.
While this distance between partners creates a barrier of self-protection, it doesn’t quite support the need to practice what’s being learned in sessions and it can lengthen the amount of time it takes to see progress from couples therapy.
Flooding Occurs During Conflict
To solve this problem, it can be helpful to know what’s leading to the huge fight or the Arctic freeze. From what we know from John Gottman’s extensive research with couples, it’s very likely that one or both of you are getting flooded during your conflict. When you’re flooded, you’re ability to listen and retain information becomes extremely limited. Your sense of humor flies out the window and the positivity in your relationship gets flushed down the toilet.
Flooding is completely normal. In fact, among 40,000 couples researched by The Gottman Institute, 93.7% reported experiencing flooding during communication. The “masters” of relationships (those who know how to manage conflict across time and space) know how to manage flooding when it pops up. They find ways to soothe themselves and each other (for example: going for a walk, cleaning up the kitchen, engaging in a hobby, giving a massage, etc.) and they take a Time Out, if needed.
How To Take A Relationship Time Out
What does a relationship Time Out look like?
Whoever is starting to feel flooded can simply say, “I’m feeling flooded and I need a Time Out.”
The other partner immediately respects this request.
Whoever requested the Time Out gives a timeframe they need to cool off (at minimum 30 minutes, and at maximum 24 hours). This piece is often what’s missing from time out requests, but is really important because it lets the other partner know the conversation will resume at some point.
Both partners separate and distract themselves from (rather than ruminate on) the conflict with self-soothing activities. This will allow the cortisol and adrenaline that arose during flooding to leave the body.
At the end of the timeframe, the person who requested the Time Out returns for a check-in to either request more time or continue the conversation.
When you feel confident that you can effectively navigate any negativity or conflict that may arise between sessions, you can take healthy risks and reach out to your partner to connect on a day-to-day basis.
Remember: progress, not perfection. It may take several tries to feel effective at the Time Out.
Should you and your partner need help increasing connection in your relationship and you’re based in California, I can provide support through online couples therapy.
Contact me to schedule a free 15-minute Zoom consultation or call (714) 462-3108 for more information.
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